


Hurts Like Hell

by TuarCeatha



Series: Song Fics [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bad Decisions, Break Up, Communication Failure, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Infidelity, Established Relationship, F/F, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Hopeful Ending, One-Sided Relationship, Post-Break Up, Psychoanalysis, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 04:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20687663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuarCeatha/pseuds/TuarCeatha
Summary: The ups and downs of one Yasmin Khan, her relationship with the Doctor, and with her own sense of self.





	Hurts Like Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Song-fic based on Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie

Hurts Like Hell

_ How can I say this without breaking? _

_ How can I say this without taking over? _

It had been two years. Two of the best years of her life. Or, that was how it had started out in the beginning. When the Doctor had dramatically crashed into her life, she thought nothing of it. She saw her as a violent whirlwind of chaos and uncertainty, taking over her jurisdiction and forcing her out. All Yaz had wanted to do was her job, but instead she got lumped in, dragged through some intergalactic mess. Lives had been lost. One very important life in particular. And the Doctor had somehow stuck around through it all. She had things to do, places to go, a ship to find. Instead, she stayed with them. Mourned with them. Bonded with them. In the nights before they were dragged into the vacuum of space, they had talked. Talked about all things great and small; Yaz’s life, her hopes and dreams, the things she had seen and done. The Doctor remained quiet about herself, as expected, never divulging more information than she had to. In retrospect, it made sense. What could she possibly tell Yaz to explain why she fell from the sky? Yaz began to warm to her, liked her even.

And she had started to fall.

_How can I put down into words_

_When it’s almost too much for my soul alone?_

They had seen the world. The universe. Different places across all of time and space; Rosa Parks, Tsuranga, her own Nani in her youth…she had seen the worst of humanity and the best of alien life. She had seen other worlds take form of those people had lost and tried so desperately to drag them away. She had been the first to question. Yaz had given the Doctor answers, fought with her, and ultimately stood by her. They took down a Dalek and won. They lived. Deciding to travel with the Doctor was the best decision she had made, and yet, it was born from another need entirely. She had grown fond of the eccentric blonde alien. The Time Lord. A complete enigma to her. She had shown her everything she had ever dreamed of, and asked for nothing in return. Yaz had warmed to her as a friend, but her heart was growing too big for her chest.

She loved her.

_I don’t want them to know the secrets_

_I don’t want them to know the way I loved you_

Her relationship with the Doctor was never hidden, never pushed to the side. It was there and accepted. Sure, Yaz had spent countless hours trying to explain what she could to her family, but even they were unable to resist the Doctor’s charms. Nobody could. She had an air about her, not just of authority, but of pure charisma. If she couldn’t charm her way out of something, then she sure as hell could intimidate her way through it. When the Doctor spoke of times gone, of reasons she should be feared, it was as if Yaz was looking at a completely different person. Someone unrecognisable. Which was true, in part, because the Doctor had seen many lives through and Yaz only knew the one. So many mysteries left outside of her reach. But still, she loved her. Loved her so much it physically hurt inside. She loved from the core of her soul and out again. Loved her with every fibre of her being, every cell and every breath from her lungs and beat of her heart.

On paper, so did the Doctor. But in practice…

_I don’t think they’d understand it, no_

_I don’t think they would accept me, no_

As time passed, things changed between them. The Doctor began to close off again. She wouldn’t hold her gaze for as long. She stopped complimenting her. Nights would be spent somewhere else on the TARDIS, or away from her completely, leaving her alone in bed at home and wondering what was happening. Had she done something wrong? They would clash, butt heads, come to fights over insignificant things. Nothing bad, just words. Enough to still leave Yaz reeling inside. The Doctor had helped her overcome her anxieties, the things that had plagued her since childhood. Helped her recover. Get better. Except, she had changed from it. Grown stronger. Yaz started to see things clearer. Still, the voice in her head told her it was nothing. That it was just the Doctor getting more comfortable in showing her weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

She was wrong.

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

To cope with her increasing levels of isolation and confusion, Yaz did something she never quite expected; she made friends. She found people with a common interest and befriended them. Started spending time with them. They would go away for weekends, often coinciding with when the Doctor wanted to isolate herself from the universe and just be alone. Yaz took those opportunities and made them into something to look forward to, and not fear. For a while, things were fine. In fact, she was surprised at how accepting the Doctor was of the whole arrangement. _‘Yaz, that’s brilliant!’_ She encouraged her. Until she didn’t. Until it started becoming a problem, and Yaz witnessed the lines breaking further. Talking about them was impossible, sending the Doctor into a spiral of doubt and self-sabotage. Fear and paranoia. Yaz was leaving, even when she wasn’t.

Yaz did all she could to quell the flames of doubt, but it was for naught. Tired of using her energy on a lost cause, she let the Doctor burn out of her own accord. She sunk her remaining energy into her friends. However, with her lowered guard and desperate need to feel wanted again, she found herself falling away. Slowly, at first, but just enough for her to notice. Yaz knew the stirring in her chest, knew what it meant, and hated herself for it. There was someone in the group she was falling for. Against every voice of reason, she ignored it. She continued to keep up the friendship with everyone. Enjoyed their time together. Used it as a reprieve. It made her happy.

Until one day, it didn’t.

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_And it hurts like hell_

Her life with the Doctor was thrown into doubt. Called into question. They had made a future together, but Yaz was unsure if it was what she wanted. Her life was changing, and the Doctor couldn’t fit into it. How could she tie her down? How could she live a normal life with her? Have a home? One day, the Doctor would leave her…her Doctor would change. She couldn’t live with that. But she was trapped. Unable to leave for the love in her heart and the guilt of causing more damage. She did still love the Doctor, more than anything else, and yet all it had done for the last year was tear her into pieces. She couldn’t do right by the Time Lord. For all their similarities, the differences were becoming greater and greater and harder to handle. She was human. The Doctor was alien. They shouldn’t coexist together and yet they did, burning each other slowly and painfully with each passing moment. Neither of them wanting to leave.

_Yeah it hurts like hell_

Yaz hid all of her thoughts. She was too scared to voice them to anyone. The Doctor would never understand. In fits of rage and depression, she had talked of running away, hiding in an unknown galaxy._ ‘Yaz, you deserve better than me.’_ Sometimes, Yaz thought she was right. For all of her struggles, maybe now was the time she did deserve better. Some nights, she would return home and cry in the arms of her mum or her Nani, telling them of the turmoil she felt. Both of them understood that the Doctor was not acting out of malice, like other people she had known and felt the twist of a knife from, but still silently worried for her. Yaz had been in the same spot before, with Danny, and barely escaped with any shred of sanity left in her. He had berated her, kept her on a leash, emotionally tormented her for years. She did not need that to happen again. Her job was her only sanctuary, a place she could switch her brain off and just…work through everything.

Her friends began to worry when Yaz suddenly stopped talking to them.

_Dreams fight with machines_

_Inside my head like adversaries_

A whole month of isolation. She hated every second of it. But the fear of not using her time to satisfy the Doctor’s urge for her was too strong. Too overpowering. She had to leave her friends. They were tearing a wedge between her and the Doctor…right? Yaz missed their laughs, their shared jokes. She missed the ways they would always band together to cheer someone up. She missed their kind words and how they told her everything the Doctor never did. How they loved her. Yaz had never heard the words fall from the Doctor’s mouth, only things that could vaguely sound like they were heading in the right area, if she thought hard enough. For a woman who fawned her love of science and the universe, her small pleasures in life, not once had she ever said anything remotely close about Yaz. And it bothered her. If her friends could so freely give over their love, why couldn’t the Doctor?

Why couldn’t the Doctor say that she loved her?

_Come wrestle me free_

_Clean from the war_

Still, she stayed isolated. Ghosting the world around her, looking for glimpses of what they were up to without her. Life moved on, a constant stream of time, never diverging from its path. Nothing was mentioned about her absence, and thus, she lost hope.

By the end of the month away, Yaz couldn’t take anymore. She had to go back. Her life was just a string of working and listening to the Doctor bemoaning existence daily. She could feel her sanity dribbling away like the sands of time. Every day, another thing was wrong, and it was another day that left Yaz feeling so very cold and alone.

Her welcome back was intense; so many messages left waiting for her to come back, people dragging her into their arms, tokens of appreciation and love and so many things fit to make her heart burst. That was her home. Her home was with her friends. Slowly, it left from the Doctor. They could provide things she could not. Surely, that was what friends were for? That was why they existed, and why people needed both friends and lovers. It was only natural.

As time wore on, one person in particular started drawing her eyes away, another person to bond with away from the collective. Someone to focus on. To help. To care about.

_Your heart fits like a key_

_Into the lock on the wall_

She knew, then and there, that she had a crush. When talk in the group turned to people’s feelings, she knew. It was obvious, in hindsight. Yaz had tried to ignore it, pretend it didn’t exist, but it was a hopeless endeavour. Perhaps it had all began the day people realised they lived so close by? Perhaps it had been set up for her, right from the start, life being the cruel trickster it was. Her friend made her feel special, safe, came to her to talk about specific interests over everyone else. Yaz wanted to spend time with her away from the others. It was a hellish slope…but it gave her the validation she so desperately craved. Feelings of warmth and acceptance. She would grow the friendship, find the connection she had been longing for. Perhaps it was wrong, but she was human…and they were too…and it was all Yaz needed in life.

_I turn it over_

_I turn it over_

_But I can’t escape_

Yaz thought she had moved past it, moved passed the feelings and returned to platonic emotions…but when her eyes caught a glimpse of the words on her phone, her world shattered. She had had her suspicions for a while, noticed the signs, chose to ignore them. She trusted in herself that she was over it, but Yaz was wrong. She was not over it at all. Everything slipped away from her; her last remaining shred of sanity, the last ounce of love in her heart, the one thing that kept her going through all the months of turmoil. All of it was gone. From the deepest depths of her sorrow, endless tears and silent screams, came burning rage. Jealousy. What she had come to think of as special, was anything but, and the emotions burnt white hot in her veins. Nails dung into her skin and clung as her body shook with violent sobs. It was as if she was isolated again, alone, with nobody to care for her. And yet, it was so far from the truth that she knew madness had well and truly set in.

She needed to get out.

_I turn it over_

_I turn it over_

With little all to do, Yaz made her choice. She found her bed of nails, lay down, and waited for the weight of the world to crush her into them. She aimed to do the unthinkable. She needed to. So, on a winter’s night, when the sky had darkened hours ago, she found the Doctor inside the TARDIS. Waiting. Premeditative. As if she knew what was about to happen. Yaz would not have been surprised if she had, given that the Doctor had much keener senses and could no doubt have sensed her thoughts for months on end. But it was time. Time for them. Time for her.

For her own sake, Yaz had to let her go.

She deserved better.

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

_I loved and I loved and I lost you_

Freedom felt…strange. Had her choice really been right? Time had lost all meaning, days and weeks and months rolling into one. In the rustling of the wind, she would pause and look out. The TARDIS was never there. She rose through the ranks of the force with ease, proving her worth and dedicating her time to service. It was everything she could have wanted. With the support of her family, her friends, she was happy. So very happy.

As love loomed on the horizon, bringing a bright future, she mourned the Doctor.

_And it hurts like hell_


End file.
